Trust You Lord

It’s interesting to see how God prepares you for the future when you look back on your past. I say that because today I was listening to some old cassettes of songs I had written several years back. Most of them are worship songs to be sung in a church worship setting. And, keep in mind I’m a simple writer. I don’t claim to be the best songwriter or even a good one. I just write. Anyway, as I was driving in my van to an appointment today I came across a song of mine called “Trust You Lord.” I wrote this song during my “single years” of more than six years ago. You’ll see why I was brought to tears hearing myself sing these lyrics in light of my present circumstances.

TRUST YOU LORD
VERSE 1
I will lay my hurting heart at Your altar
And trust You Lord
Trust You Lord
I will trust You with my faith that falters
I will trust You Lord

I will lift my empty hands to Your altar
And trust You Lord
Trust You Lord
I give my life a token of surrender
I will trust You Lord

CHORUS
I will trust You Lord
After all look at all the miracles You do
I will trust You Lord
I give You my mustard seed of faith
And I will trust You Lord

VERSE 2
I will lay my joy and dreams at Your altar
And trust You Lord
Trust You Lord
I will trust You when the time is uncertain
I will trust You Lord

TAG
Handing my heart over to You
Putting my faith in all that You do
Knowing that You love me
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord

April 24, 2008
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The Beginning: Part 2

This is an email I sent out on Wednesday, March 19th. The name of the email was called “Life With Victoria.” Hope you enjoy the read!

LIFE WITH VICTORIA

Well, it’s been a little over a week now that Victoria’s been with us in this crazy world and we are loving her so much already. She is a sweet baby and I find myself hugging and kissing on her every chance I get. Elyssa would like to be doing the same, but she has been sick so I try to keep her at a distance. So far all Natalie has done is pull Victoria’s hair once. I try to keep her at a distance too, since she doesn’t know how to be gentle yet! Ha!

Last week was very overwhelming to say the least. To go to my doctor appointment Monday morning (the 10th) and then to be delivering Victoria at 7:14pm that night was not what I expected that day. I was so unprepared for all that would happen in the hours ahead.

I knew what the doctor’s were telling me all along about Victoria’s health conditions, but I was still praying for God to work some kind of miracle that would prevent her from having Downs or any heart problems. I know God could’ve done that, but he chose to bless us in an extra-special way. I don’t know that I looked at Victoria as an extra-special blessing last week. All I could think of were things way out in the future. I was so overwhelmed with all that might lie ahead for us and for her. I felt like my life may be over somehow.

The best thing that could’ve happened for me is to actually bring Victoria home. Living life with her this past week at home has been a blessing to me. I have learned to focus on today. What does Victoria need today? She needs me to change her diapers, feed her, burp her, love on her … just like I did with Elyssa and Natalie. The worst thing I can do is worry about the future.

I admit that I have had hard moments when I break down, like when I bought a baby book for Victoria the other day and I cried when I thought … will she be able to read what I write about her in this book? Will she understand everything I jot down in here? These are just a few things that I’ve thought over that cause me to feel sadness or experience a “grieving” over the life she may not have that I hoped for her. But, God reminds me that before Mark and I ever met, He knew what my future held. He knew that He would give Mark and I Victoria to raise for His glory. I never pictured myself to be the mother of a special-needs child, but it’s weird to me that God did. He knew that He equipped me for this job when He formed me in my mother’s womb. So, I just have to trust that He knows what He is doing in giving me this sweet little girl.

The most precious thing that I’ve seen since being home with Victoria is how Elyssa wants to love on her. Elyssa doesn’t know that Victoria has any problems. She just sees this sweet baby and wants to love on her. I know that Elyssa and Natalie will always love their sister and will probably not even realize for a very long time that she is “different.” What a wonderful love! I sense that same love from our families and also from our church family. Everyone has been so sweet to us and we truly feel an unconditional love for Victoria already.

Please continue to keep Victoria in your prayers. We meet with the Pediatric Cardiologist on March 28th. I’m sure we will begin talking over a plan for Victoria’s heart surgery and when that might be. Pray that God continues to work in her body and that He provides healing as only He can.

Pray for my sanity in raising three girls under the age of three! It’s been a little hairy at times and I’m so thankful for all the help we have had from family and friends. I’m sure as I get into a routine with Victoria that things will settle down some.

PS – Some of you might not know that Victoria was born on the 10th and my birthday is on the 13th of March! Interesting story … the morning of my birthday (2am), Mark had to rush me to the emergency room because I was having an allergic reaction to the pain pill I took the night before at 10pm. Interesting birthday present, huh? The hospital doctor and nurses hooked me up to an IV and gave me a large dose of Benadryl to relieve my swelling throat!!!

Thanks for all your prayers, friendship and love. They have meant the world to us during such a time of transition. All I can say is … to God be the glory!

April 21, 2008
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The Beginning

My mind was flooded with a million questions and my heart with a million emotions as my baby was born at 7:14pm on March 10, 2008, and thought to have a strange, genetic disorder called Down Syndrome. She was what you also call a “blue baby” when she was born. She had been thought to have heart defects from ultrasounds done by my specialist and also a pediatric cardiologist prior to her birth. These defects were confirmed shortly after her birth. Our lives were to be changed forever.

I could tell immediately after her birth that her cheeks were especially chubby, her neck seemed to be thicker and her fingers even looked different than her sisters did at their birth. I did notice that her eyes seemed to be set further apart, but that could’ve been an illusion created by her flatter nasal bridge. I wasn’t sure if I thought she was a pretty baby or not. She was just different.

You would think that being told of her possible problems before her birth would’ve prepared me for the event, but I still wasn’t. In my whole life I’ve never sobbed with such despair as when the social worker came into my hospital room two days later to tell me of early intervention programs available to my husband and I for our little baby. She told us of mental and physical problems that our little girl may encounter as she grows. I know she meant to help by giving us this information, but I was not in a place to be able to handle it. I had never imagined myself to be the mother of a special-needs child. Never in a million years had I dreamed this would happen to Mark or me.

We are both intelligent people. Mark graduated first in his high school class and was Valedictorian. He went on to earn a Master’s degree from seminary. I was a college graduate in music and was teaching in a college. It just doesn’t seem logical that we could have a child that will have trouble learning, speaking, walking, eating, etc. There must be some mistake. Maybe this was meant for another couple. But, all throughout my pregnancy God kept bringing me to a passage in the Bible … a passage I must cling to so Victoria’s life makes sense to me … “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!” (Psalm 139:13-17)

Victoria was no surprise to God. In fact, He formed her to be just the way she is. He knew and recorded all her days before any of them came to be. He knows the lives she will touch, the laughs and smiles she will bring to people and how she will change her parent’s and sister’s lives in such a wonderful way. We did not ask to be given her nor did she ask to be given to us. But, God somehow knew that we needed each other. He knew that we would be good for each other and that Mark and I could handle being her parents. Just like He knew I could handle my 2 1/2-year-old and the crazy behavior she is having at times right now or how her 15-month-old sister eats like a cow and swings her right arm so cute when she walks … He knew I could handle Victoria and her challenges.

No matter what emotions I experience on this journey, I can rest in knowing that God is for me. I wrote a song several years ago called “Your Bottle” and it really hit home with me during my pregnancy and even now when I shed tears about this new life I have. The following verses were the inspiration for my song (Click on the title of this post, “The Beginning”, or the link http://www.box.net/shared/ajk3ouask4, to hear the song “Your Bottle”):

Psalm 56:8,9 (Amplified Bible)
“You number and record my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle … are they not in Your book? Then shall my enemies turn back in the day that I cry out; this I know, for God is for me!”

Thank you, God, that you have planned out my days and that You saw fit to bless me with three sweet girls. They are all blessings from You, no matter what the future holds. You are for me!

Heather

April 20, 2008
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The Beginning (DO NOT USE)

This is the beginning of an interesting story. It’s a story of a husband and wife who married late in life and had two wonderful children. Then, they decided to have a third child and were given some devastating news. Here is the story:

Mark and I married when we were 30 years old. We had dated some in college and he wanted to marry back then, but I had dreams of being a famous singer and wanted to finish my music degree. So, he moved on to seminary for a Master’s degree and I stayed at my college to finish my music studies. We both dated other people in the interium, but amazingly, after probably six years he moved back to the area and we started dating again. Within a few months, we were engaged and married on May 4, 2002.

We had our first little girl on July 8, 2005, and then a second little girl on January 10, 2007. We decided to try for a third little bambino and found out we were pregnant with her in July of 2007. YES … we have had three babies in a little under three years! We are crazy!

When I was eleven weeks pregnant (September 16, 2007), I went to my OBGYN for a free ultrasound with a new machine she had gotten. Her tech was training on it at the time and they just wanted a few pregnant ladies to come in so she could get more experience. I was the second lady she used the machine on. During my ultrasound, the tech saw some extra nuchal translucency fluid around my baby’s neck. Originally, they diagnosed this as Cystic Hygroma, which I was horrified about once I saw information on the internet about the condition. I was sent to a specialist and was assured that this was not Cystic Hygroma, but that there was probably some genetic issue underlying.

During the week of my emotional ultrasound, my husband was out of town speaking at another church. It was so difficult to go through this experience with him being so far away, although we talked on the phone so much about what was going on. While at his speaking engagement, he met a couple and the wife’s name was Victoria. The Lord kept bringing this name to Mark’s mind and we decided that week for our baby’s name to be Victoria (which means “victorious”) if she were indeed a girl. We began looking at middle names and settled on Jayne, which was our pastor’s wife’s name (she had passed away recently in a tragic car accident). Jayne means “victory.” So, our little girl’s name was to be Victoria Jayne (victorious victory). We were surely praying that over her little life!

Around November 2007, my specialist began seeing heart problems with the baby, which we now KNEW was a baby girl. We were sent to a pediatric cardiologist for a heart echo. Their echo confirmed the heart issues the specialist saw.
The rest of my pregnancy included going to my OBGYN for biophysical profiles weekly, my specialist and experiencing many emotional rollercoasters. I had, up until this point in my life, never cried so much and felt so many different things in my heart. My brain was on overload and if left with too much time to ponder, my thoughts went way into the future to all the “what if’s”. So, thankfully, with having two other little girls to care for, I was able to stay in the present to be what they needed their momma to be.
On March 10, 2007, I went to my specialist for my 4 week appointment. Taking no bags with me, I assumed this would be my regular visit with no surprises. I also assumed we would begin talking about a possible induction or what I needed to do if I did go into labor on my own. My due date was April 3, 2007, so the time was drawing nigh. At my visit, my specialist told me that my fluid was looking a little low. Before I knew it, I was being sent to the hospital to be induced. My husband and I were in a state of shock because we knew we were about to be face to face with this little girl, who might have problems at birth. How were we going to handle this? I was feeling like I was about to break apart at the seams but tried to hold myself together.
I was induced at noon that day and little Victoria Jayne was born at 7:15pm. I pushed three times and she was thrust into the world and into our lives. I touched her little hand right after she was born before even being cleaned up. She had a blue look to her and had the fattest cheeks and neck. I could tell by looking at her that she probably had Downs. I prayed that she didn’t, but I could hear the nurses talking about her features (thick nuchal fold, crease in the hands, etc.). When they wrapped her up for me to hold her, I
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