On our second day in the hospital, my parents and Mark’s parents came to visit bringing our two other girls with them to see baby Victoria for the first time.
Natalie, being only 14 months old, could care less and had no idea the brevity of the moment of seeing her new baby sister for the first time. All she wanted to do is get into every piece of medical equipment in the room to see how many alarms she could set off!
However, Elyssa, our 2 ½ year-old, was so excited about this new baby that momma was holding. She climbed up into my hospital bed with a zing in her step because she could hardly wait to see this cute little bundle. She was curious about every part of her. She wanted to see her hands and feet and most of all, she wanted to hold her! She was already being such a great big sister!
On this day, little did Elyssa realize that I was still so emotional about the news of Victoria definitely having Downs and heart defects. She had no idea the mixed up feelings I had about the entire situation and how fearful I was about the new life that had been suddenly thrust upon me. My dreams of a “normal life” were gone. Everything had changed in a matter of moments.
As Elyssa sat in the bed with me looking on as I held Victoria, I could only think one thing: Elyssa doesn’t even care or have a clue that anything is wrong with this baby. It will probably be a long time before she or Natalie even realizes that she is “different.”
Elyssa was so carefree in showing her love to Victoria. She would rub Victoria’s newborn hair with her hand so gently. She kissed her head over and over and even began saying, “I love you, baby Victoria.” She hugged her and I actually let her hold her (with my help)! Never once in the middle of Elyssa observing her and loving on her did she say, “Momma, what is wrong with this baby?”
It was so moving for me to see her display of unconditional love and affection. It reminded me that in the midst of the grief I was feeling at the time, this is how I should be toward my new daughter. I should throw all caution to the wind and just be happy that she had arrived and was finally in my arms, Down’s and all. I was learning a lesson from an almost 3-year-old little girl who had a heart full of love.
I’m thankful that the Lord allows us to be humbled by our little children. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life learning from all three of my girls and I’m sure they will teach me a thing or two about life and love.
When Elyssa was born in July of 2005, Mark took up the role immediately of being a great dad. He loved to hold and take care of Elyssa just as much as I did (except those middle of the night feedings!!). Eventually, Mark came up with a little song that he just made up one day while probably changing her diaper. The words are as follows:
Daddy loves Elyssa
Daddy loves Elyssa
Daddy loves Elyssa
Loves her very much
As Elyssa grew and started speaking, Mark would sing the song to her and have her fill in the word “much” at the end of the song. This became a cute little ritual between the two of them and Elyssa loved to be loud when it was her turn to say “much.” For those of you who know her personally, you know she has a flair for the dramatic side!
Mark would sing the song to Elyssa and then he would also sing the song inserting “momma” instead of “Elyssa.” Elyssa came to expect this so when Mark would ask, “Who else do we sing this song to?”, Elyssa would say “momma.”
When Natalie came along in January of 2007, Mark started singing the song to her. He would still sing the song to Elyssa and then he would ask her at the end of the song, “Who’s next?” Elyssa would make sure he inserted Natalie’s name and then my name. This list grew to include MeeMaw, Paw Paw, Grandmother, Granddaddy and other family members and friends.
A very touching moment for me, that I happened to catch in the form of a photo (which is attached for you to see), was Mark singing this song to Victoria while we were in the hospital. As he held Victoria in front of him, he started singing …
Daddy loves Victoria
Daddy loves Victoria
By the next stanza, his singing had turned to a whisper …
Daddy loves Victoria
Loves her very much
By the end of the song, he and I were both crying. It was a very special moment and I’m so glad I have a picture to remind me of that moment.
I think now about how our Father sings over us. I can imagine His beautiful song to me:
Abba loves Heather
Abba loves Heather
Abba loves Heather
Loves her very much
“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”
When Victoria was born, probably the most visible sign of Down Syndrome, to me, was her thick neck and chubby cheeks. She didn’t have a “normal” slim neck like most babies. I have to admit that her looks bothered me. My other two girls were relatively “pretty” (or so everyone said) when they were born and Victoria definitely looked “different” to me.
I remember the hospital photographer coming into our hospital room on the third day of our stay at Women And Children’s Hospital asking if we would like a picture taken of Victoria. I always told Mark during my pregnancy that I never wanted us to treat this baby any different than our other girls. I planned on us having her photo taken in the hospital and I also wanted to purchase a “baby plan” with our regular photographer to document her first year of life like we did with Elyssa and Natalie. I wanted her to know that we were proud of how she looked and who she was. But, as I sat in the hospital room still stunned about her having Downs and feeling in shock about her looks, I questioned if I’d want those hospital pictures after all.
We, of course, agreed to have the photos taken and Mark and I both thought they turned out horrible. (I’ve attached her hospital photo for you to see it.) From the proof we couldn’t tell a whole lot, but we knew that was as good as it would get with the amateur quality of the picture and photographer. We decided to purchase a package and were totally dissatisfied with the pictures once we saw them in full size. I remember crying when I saw the pictures. I could barely look at them.
We debated giving the pictures to family once we got home and spent more time looking at them. We eventually took a picture of Victoria with our own camera and sent that out with our announcements. We thought we did a much better job of getting her photo than the hospital photographer.
As I look at Victoria now, I see a beautiful child. As I fed her today and held her over my shoulder to burp her, I couldn’t help but snuggle up to her chubby cheek. The cheeks that I once could barely look at, I now love. I receive comfort as I feel my skin next to hers. I feel ashamed that at her birth I didn’t initially feel love for her and judged her by her looks and disability. My prayer for her is that as she grows up, people will take time to know her. I want them to see what a sweet and beautiful girl she is in the inside and get past what they see on the outside. There is a lot to love in this special gift. May others not make the mistake I made and judge too quickly what life will be like with her.
I think as she grows, I will always love snuggling and kissing on her chubby cheeks. I think God gave her those cheeks to remind me that no matter how “ugly” and “unattractive” I look in my sin, He still wants to snuggle His face against mine and let me know He loves me no matter what, too.
Thank You, Lord, for chubby cheeks!
Ever since I was in high school, I remember telling my family members and friends that when I got married one day I would probably have twins. I was convinced that I would be the one in our family to have twins. See, someone in my family should have twins in my generation because my mom and aunt are twins. We were told in our family that is something that usually occurs every other generation. I think the reason I was so convinced of this back then was because I was as skinny as a bean pole. I knew I’d probably be the one to have to endure that pain since it would be almost impossible to squeeze two babies out of my tiny little body, much less one baby!
Okay, maybe that was part of the reason. The other part of the reason was that God had put something inside me that made me really feel like I’d have an unusual pregnancy. I assumed that meant twins were in my future, but looking back now I was mistaken. However, God was preparing me back then for something different and I just thought I knew what it was.
I remember an incident that occurred one particular night at my church while I was in rehearsal with our praise team. Two of my friends (Amy & Alicia) were sitting on the front row of the church and I could tell they were talking about me. I asked them what they were talking about. They said that they thought that I’d have twins one day. Keep in mind that this was before I’d had any children. We laughed about it and I told them about my always feeling like I’d have twins. They thought I had the laid-back personality required for having twins.
Looking back now … isn’t it funny that other people knew I’d have something unique in my life concerning the birth of my children, too? We all thought we knew what God’s plan would be, but He sure surprised us, huh? But, the thing we all knew was that He had already equipped me to handle the extra stress that would come along with a special pregnancy and birth.
Thank you, Lord, that You place in us the ability to handle whatever You send our way. And, You allow just enough stretching to cause us to run to You for help.
