A few months ago when I dreamed of what it might be like to “be on the outside” I had no idea that I might feel anxious about finally being there. I remember the weeks after Victoria’s birth knowing how I could not take her out of the house to prepare for her surgery. I would get restless knowing that the life of freedom I once had was being taken away from me to, instead, offer protection to my little one. Then, I think back to our time at UAB with Victoria, knowing that we would not soon be leaving. There was, again, a feeling of being “stuck” in a location that was not our home. We were in no real routine and our “normal” life was not within our grasp. Our “normal” life was about 3 hours away and seemed to be, really, a thing of the past. I felt like I would never have a “normal” life again with a special-needs child. I mean, how could anything possibly seem normal again? Could we really get use to this new situation and begin a new routine that we could easily fall into?

Now that Victoria can be taken out in public, I find some of my feelings to be ironic. While I use to long to be back in my old routine of running the roads, now I feel cautious about doing too much. Nursing hinders me from doing as much as I use to do anyway. In the way of attending church, there are many who would love to hold Victoria. I believe I will feel cautious about letting anyone hold her until I know she is 6 months out from her surgery. See, she still cannot be picked up under her arms because of the healing that still is taking place in her sternum. Just tonight, at a fellowship, someone was beginning to pick her up under her arms and I had to quickly stop them. I know this is unintentional, but I feel so much safer to keep her in my arms rather than her be passed around to others who might cause any trauma to her chest.

At this juncture in my life, I do feel that we are developing some feelings of normalcy, but at the same time, there are still many changes taking place. I will soon be teaching voice lessons, directing a praise team for our family ministry, Elyssa will begin 3K and we will begin seeing therapists to help Victoria along in her development. Maybe these new changes will seem “normal” at some point, but I’m beginning to feel anxious about everything being dumped on my plate all at once. It’s a lot for a mom who’s been out of it all for so long.

Now that Victoria can be taken out in public, I also find some of my feelings ironic.